After some time in Akihabara, several members of the training group had decided to meet for dinner and Karaoke. The feeling of being included in things that weren’t online game lobbies was something I had long forgotten. That being my own fault as usually I would turn requests like these down, eventually people stop inviting you to things assuming you’ll say no. The two times I went to a high school dance ended with me being a black hole of atmosphere killing depression, but the money my dad gave me for said dance allowed me to buy the new Call of Duty and a new pair of shoes. Courtesy for the people that actually enjoyed social outings kept me away from most gatherings. I couldn’t put my finger on what made me say yes this time as I walked under the familiar gold arches.

The weird sense of joy I get when walking into McDonalds is another strange sensation, was it the shiny gold logo designed to make people feel joy, the memories playing in the play place with the toy that you got with your meal, or the first sensation of eating soft serve that made my heart feel as gooey as the melted chocolate they put on sundaes? Having eaten McDonalds at various places around the world, consistency in the taste of their fries was something that always had me feeling nostalgia. Japan’s lack of traditional ketchup packets gave me a small sense of culture shock as my normal method of eating fries by putting a small line of ketchup on each individual fry was made impossible by the little plastic container I held in my hand. The only way to ensure the perfect fry to ketchup ratio was made impossible 🙁

Sitting by the window, Tom and I were able to spot Rachel and Amy making their way into the lobby. We all stood out in Japan there was no doubt about that, when they made their way up the stairs the size of our group had doubled, my social anxiety had followed suit. Seeing the girls come up the stairs, I’d realized that I had almost no experience talking to girls who weren’t a part of my family. . . how do normies greet each other? My arm made an awkward wave as I uttered hey barely loud enough to be heard. As they took their seats and began to make small talk, as they made eye contact with me I reflexively looked away. . . was that rude?

Sometime in my life I had developed the fear of making eye contact with anyone, even within my family, I severely lacked communication skills. When I did talk it was often looking at the floor, the table, out the window, or with my eyes looking everywhere but the person I was talking to. Most see this as a sign of disinterest or disrespect, but for me it’s very uncomfortable to lock eyes with someone. A weird painful sensation that builds up from my soul and applies pressure behind my eyes. The feeling is so powerful that sometimes I grimace or contort my face if I manage to make eye contact for long enough, which also might send mixed signals. I fiddled with the camera I held and noticed that there was one lens I was always comfortable looking through.

When I was little I had always wanted to be like Spiderman, when I grew up instead I became more like his good for nothing nerdy altar ego Peter Parker. Nerdy, socially awkward, and camera wielding were the last things I’d wanted to be when I made that wish, but the barrier of the small camera made me feel comfortable with looking people in the face. Occasionally looking down to snap a photo, which might have been creepy looking back on it, I was able to calm my nerves enough to take my usual place in conversations. The quiet person who asks more questions, and thinks too much before they speak. As conversations naturally progress they branch of into different topics, but sometimes people like me will think so much, that when we finally do say something the conversation has moved onto a new topic.

Amy, an american from Georgia, had no problem filling up the large gaps I left in conversations because she had a lot of things to say. The rapid onslaught of words had left the socially slow me confused at times, but I was glad to be having a conversation with someone so grounded in the real world. Not only was I told the plans for the following night, but also Amy’s plan to navigate Japan as a vegetarian. I had been a vegetarian for a couple years before going to Japan, but it was never for any “save the animals” .  . . apathetic loners like me don’t join groups or causes like that. It was more because in Seattle it was pretty easy to not eat meat and still get all the protein you needed. I avoided meat due to the high fat content and since I was from Seattle there was always an option that was meat free. In japan it wasn’t as easy so I had just given it up, the only thing I hadn’t given up on was my dream of being an online content creator. . . but that fire was starting to dwindle as well, I could feel myself growing more cynical and unmotivated as the work seemed to pile up, but like a farmer growing crops in dead soil it was a fruitless endeavor.

Not knowing what to talk about I reflexively asked Amy about her hobbies, for me social interaction was more crossing things off of a perspective list that I kept in my mind.

1. Hello my name is Marco who are you?
2. I’m from Seattle, Where are you from?
3. I like x and y, what are your hobbies?

Before and after that list I was at a loss for what happened during social interactions, but hearing about how Amy enjoyed traveling, Pokemon go, and cooking new things was in my realm of comfort. When it was my turn to speak I told her about how I did various things, drew, music, gaming, blogging. I was surprised to find that Amy ran a small blog too, but her approach to it was far different than mine. While I was trying to take the whole personal branding approach plastering pictures of my face everywhere, Amy doesn’t show her face at all.

At some point the conversation had shifted and I found myself talking to a girl Named Rachel from Britain. There was a slight adjustment that I needed to make as Rachel spoke much more slowly than Amy on top of that she had a British accent.

1. Hello my name is Marco who are you?
2. I’m from Seattle, Where are you from?
3. I like x and y, what are your hobbies?

Our conversation steered more into one about the differences between Japan and Western culture than future plans. It was the kind of lofty conversation that was in the same vein as philosophy and scholarly articles, while fun and interesting, lack any real world practicality. I preferred to live in that space of mind and thought as the real world hadn’t been so kind to me. Those who are dissatisfied with reality find solace in fantasy, the disappointment is fuel for creativity and the delusions of grandeur. It wouldn’t surprise me if most of the best authors lived lives far difference from the adventures they write about. I had been trying to live a more adventurous life authentic to my real wants and desires, but reading about it and manifesting it are two different things.  I didn’t really know what I wanted anymore, I hadn’t even gotten to know myself at all, I couldn’t know something I hated. A part of me wondered what version of themselves I was seeing in everyone, people change masks depending on what part of the play they are assigned. I was slipping further and further into the background, quieter and quieter as my own thoughts grew louder. Eventually the noise was drowned out and replaced by silence only the deep thumping of my heart filled the space between the voices in my head.

“A loser like you doesn’t talk to pretty girls”
“These people just tolerate your presence they don’t actually want you here”
“People that are nice to you are nice to everyone”
“What does friend mean anyway”
“People let you down if you trust them, the gash only goes deeper the closer they are”
“keep your mouth shut. . . don’t say anything about yourself, it’s not like people care about you or what you have to say anyway”

My face held a strained smile, but as I was wrestling with my inner demons an announcement that more people were “joining the battle” as they say in Smash Brothers..

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