The alarm rang at five like every other day, and just like most days I was forced to spring out of my lofted bed to shut it off as quickly as I could. Placing my phone across the room was the only way to avoid repeatedly hitting snooze. My body was already in the process of doing my morning routine pot, water, stove. Rather than being busy when the water was getting ready, it was a special time in the day for me to just sit and think.

Mindfulness and meditation are big buzzwords right now so I’ll refrain from using them, but during that moment I attempted to just sit back and watch my own thoughts. My mind was already far in the future, focused on two o’clock and the events that would follow. It was working out how she would say know, be disgusted, or any number of ways things wouldn’t work out. Letting those thoughts pass like leaves in the wind I closed my eyes centered my focus on breathing, sinking into the abyss of consciousness exploration. The sound of bubbling water brought me back into the small apartment I called home.

The honey infused Genmaicha Green Tea left me with a warm feeling inside as I began illustrating the person who gave me the same feeling. I drew my best when listening to philosophy, which kept the judgemental side of my brain too busy to impede the progress of drawing. The rest of my attention was focused on drawing, not just the act of making a mark on the paper, but the entire experience surrounding it. The smooth feeling of the pencil gliding across paper, the faint scratching sound, and the different shades that were laid down took me to heaven to draw an angel. The ecstacy of the flow state was something that all retired athletes craved to experience again.

Waking Up Early

allowed me to take care of some things I wasn’t able to accomplish in my three days of post planning preparation

• Pick Up Christmas Cake
• Wash Car
• Get Drinks

While getting drinks means a cart for beer and another cart for hard a for frat people, for me it’s as literal as it can get. Sending “好きな飲み物何ですか” (what drinks do you like) was a little bit of a give away, but I’d rather have what she likes for sure, instead of guessing and not having it at all. During my last minute preparation, I was a slave to the small numbers on my phone continuously looking into the future. Tick Tick Tick five hours left. . . four hours. . . . two. . . upon only having an hour left I took one last look at the room and left.

Convenience Stores

were a godsend in Japan, not only were they chocked-full of cheap food and drinks, but they had one commodity that was quite rare in here. . .free parking lots(parking lots in general are pretty rare here). For the low low price of ￥140 I had rented a parking space for thirty minutes and was gifted a free Pocari Sweat. My mind was running faster than my injured body ever could so I attempted to slow it down by closing my eyes and taking deep breaths between sips. I knew I looked strange sitting straight up with my eyes closed but just like entering a dark tunnel, what you lose in visual information you gain as mental clarity.

In my mind were words of encouragement from my family, the happy memories of our short time together, and also all the other relationships that scarred my past. The one thought that allowed me to take all the risks in the world was Marco. . . you’ve been single for twenty four years. . . what’s the worst that 
could happen. Even if she says no you’ve survived this long on your own so 
you’ll be okay. I’m just gonna sennnnddddddd ittttt. 

My Phone Rattled On The Table

“Marco Because you can’t park at the university, why don’t we meet at this convenience store here?”

Considering I was already waiting at a convenience store it made me chuckle as I started to drive the other love of my life. From one FamilyMart to the other.

I anxiously waited outside and scanned the street for my date, having no idea where she was coming from made it hard to settle down into an area. Eventually I made my way to the wall behind my wonderful white whip and leaned against it. Hands in my pockets and leaning against the wall(considered rude for some reason, but the muscle memory is ingrained into my body). My phone buzzed
“ちょっと遅れる！ごめんなさい！”(I’m running a little late)
“大丈夫”(it’s fine!!)

I continued my nervous pacing in front of the wall before settling down into the exact same place. (This is Mah Comfy Place) Closing my eyes again, taking a deep breath in, I opened my eyes and saw a familiar face walking in the distance.

My Anxious Nerves

Caused me to do a bit of a jog in her direction, seeing me run a little she followed suit and began to run a little. Catching myself I slowed down to a walk and gestured that she do the same. Upon her reaching me I greeted her with a kiss on the hand and took it as I walked her to the passenger side and opened the door for her. Let’s pick up where we left off last time is what I wanted to say with my actions. Already happy to meet her I couldn’t help but make a giant smirk when she complimented my car.

A quickest way to a man’s heart is complimenting his car

LaidbackMarco

In her seat waiting for her was a small baked good and a blanket that I had wrapped in a bow, she shared her appreciation of the small gifts and then we continued to chit-chat about things. Taking the usual position I take in conversations I asked more questions than anything else, which isn’t really a bad thing. My recent reading, both books and online articles, had stumbled into the relationship department(wonder why hehe). What I can infer from my reading is that men and women are different and they handle things differently.

Incoming Side Tangent

Now that I’ve triggered essentially half of the entire internet community people hear different and they automatically assume different is a bad thing for some reason? Now this is science. . . men and women are physically biologically different. . . there’s no debating no feelings here. . .just facts. The different amounts of chemicals up in your brain cause us to think a little differently . . . which isn’t a bad thing.

I Always Look Forward To

hearing about her adventures. The time with her friends, roommate, and the parties they had over the last couple days had me at the edge of my seat. Electing to not use the GPS . . . I had taken us on the scenic tour of Matsumoto which meant fifteen more minutes of her music and stories. . . listening to someone else’s music is like hearing through their ears, it takes you closer to their soul.

I had already liked her to begin with, but when she started singing in the car I couldn’t help but like her more. Singing in the car was something that my dad and I did all the time. . . not knowing the words to the songs I started to drum on the steering wheel. (Something my dad and I both do now) we shared a laugh and I looked her in the eyes smiling she said
“ハンド太鼓”(Hand Drum). The rest of the way to the cafe we had a little Jam session.

The Storyhouse Cafe

Is a family run cafe in town owned by my friend Chris. Because it holds a special place in my heart I wanted to invite her into that space. Not only do they have a killer BLT bagel. . . I can’t help but feel like that place is a slice of my hometown. From the furniture to the taste of the food every bite brings me back to the Pacific Northwest. There is also a piano there, I really wanted to hear her play, but the area was being used for an event(not all things go as planned, but that’s okay).

Because my life is just one big awkward experience when I performed the 紹介する(Shokaisuru)or introduced her to Chris and Kumi. . . I didn’t know what to say. . . she wasn’t my girlfriend yet so I just said her name. Chris has a small son, who is always smiling from what I’ve seen, but when I saw the way she interacted with kids my heart melted a little bit.

We got to talking about the story behind Chris and Kumi and I had told her that Kumi is actually from the city.
“Why are they in matsumoto if she is from tokyo?”
“It’s probably because life in matsumoto is much more relaxed than it is in the city”
“What about you?” she asked and after she looked down with upturned eyes our gazes met. Her pupils had dilated and it caused me to stare ever more deeply into her marvelous brown eyes.
“松本すきですよ、生活は大きい町より暇な時間あると思う” (I like matsumoto, there is much more free time here than there would be in the city)
“そして、松本がかわいい女の子いる” (Plus there’s cute girls in matsumoto) She looked a little confused at first. . . that kind of statement made me sound like a player perhaps. I knew that indirect speech as a man talking to a girl is a bad thing, but I’ve found it’s more fun to lead people on and then give them the punch line. . . conversations are more like stories that way.
“その女の子は優しくてしかわいいし人”(Yeah there’s this one girl thats really nice and cute) Her face looked perplexed as I assume she was thinking I was talking about anyone other than her.
“ああ(Girl’s Name Here)と言う”.(Ah her name is “___”) seeing her face go from contemplating disaster to slight embarrassment was worth the risk of using indirect speech.
Blushing she simply said “ねえええええー”(heyyy. . .) locked eyes for a split second and said “ねえええええー”(heyyy. . .) again. Her cheeks seemed flushed, but I just smiled and kept looking into her eyes. When she had calmed down, we finished what was left of our tea and returned the dishes.

Dine Then Shrine?

The shrine in Matsumoto is one of the most beautiful places in town, I say that because I haven’t really traveled that far outside of Matsumoto to see nature yet. But because I wanted to thank something (my stance on religion is loose. . . laidback) for my chance to date this beautiful girl I wanted to go to the shrine and pray and walk around for a little bit. When disaster struck!!

After drinking the sports drink and the tea I really needed to use the restroom. . . but I had no idea where the closest restroom was. So I had to focus on not peeing my pants over the happiness of my date, but I still remember that her lacrosse team made a ema. Not knowing what to do I remembered that my friend Michael also owned a cafe within walking distance. Feeling extremely apologetic I asked if I could use the restroom and thanks to Michael the crisis was averted.

After using the restroom I had to do another awkward 紹介する, of course I wanted to say “this is my girlfriend “, but she wasn’t my girlfriend yet so I again just said her name. Thinking it was a disaster I had to go pee at an inconvenient time as we were walking to the car she told me.
“I want to go to this cafe sometime” and I was reminded of one of my favorite stories by my favorite Philosopher.

It Never Occured To Me

how exposed you became letting someone into your home. Probably because of my lack of social Tact, I hadn’t realized the considerable trust required in letting people into the space where you spend most of your time. As we pulled into the small parking lot, and due to how low my car is in the front I had to back up into my space. The thought of a adults over to a each other’s houses for things that are completely G rated was weird for some reason. It was like one day after puberty I’d woken up and using my big logical brain determined “Wait girls and guys have genitals that aren’t matching, they can’t possibly hang out with each other alone, it’s like the first step in courtship. . .

The irony

is that growing up, for most of my development stages, my friends and playmates were girls. Other than than playing games which both sexes played Tag, soccer, and Hide & Seek, I was clueless in terms of how to act with guys. Due to my dad’s older age and the padded catholic school environment I rarely did any of the rough and tumble play that other boys did. When I played with action figures and Remote control cars they were usually husbands, boyfriends, or suiters in a complex drama orchestrated by my little sister usually.

Even my manner of speaking and communication was different from most guys. . . it still is. While most men are very direct with what they want and use harsh insults to bond, I’m usually more poetic and make use of indirect language when I talk. . . which girls don’t find attractive(that’s what the data indicates). This bled into my writing, and why my sixth through eighth grade teacher was impressed with it. The two things that allowed me to bond with members of my own gender were sports and videogames. After I had made my first best male friend in 2nd Grade I climbed to the Top of the Jungle Gym and Proclaimed “I’ll never like girls.”.

small side tangent

More irony is at that age I was clueless to the complex social relationships and methods of communication that girls used even though I had been practicing it my entire life. Because our school didn’t allow fighting and I was the master of words I think I was pretty accepted by most guys in our grade, but when you communicate that way as a guy in high school people just think that you’re an asshole. So I guess I filled those shoes and became an socially inept, villianas vibe spewing, asshole. I went through most of highschool alone outside of my xbox friends.

I of course did come to like girls

but most of the girls I liked didn’t even know I’d existed and when they did know it was usually a bad thing. So when I had one standing outside of my house, it shook my nerves to the core. Purchasing cute fuzzy socks with rabbits on them(think chinese new year) sounded like a great idea until I’d realized I didn’t know how to package them as a gift. Using that college educated brain I decided buying slippers and two stuffed animals as presentation tools would be a good way to give them to her. Slipping the animals into the socks made them look like two small campers in sleeping bags. Which were then placed into the house slippers I had bought. Walking outside I presented the slippers to her and also grabbed the chair I had stowed away earlier.

While Cinderella

is a common story in English speaking countries I had little idea if Japanese people knew about it at all. Wanting to show how much I cared I said “座ってください(please sit down)”, expecting her to hesitate I was taken aback when she sat down right away although that was one of the things I really liked about her. After she sat down I removed her shoes, her socks, and then proceeded to put on her new socks like the princess she was to me.
“部活後でから汚い”(It’s gross because of practice)
“汚くない” (It’s not gross) It’s weird that humans are really quick to call parts of themselves gross. . . but I’m not really one to point fingers as I do the same thing.

If I then, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you also ought to wash one another’s feet. For I have given you an example, that you should do as I have done to you. Most assuredly, I say to you, a servant is not greater than his master; nor is he who is sent greater than he who sent him. If you know these things, blessed are you if you do them.

John 13:14–17

While I’m not that religious I know a lot of my readers, mainly my aunts and grandma are. So this is for you

After showing her into my small house, pulled out one of three chairs I had and asked her to sit. Turning on the heater, washing my hands, and then retrieving the small box from the fridge I placed the box on the table and lit the two small vanilla scented candles on opposite sides of the box.
“どちらがいい”（which is good）I asked retriving three of her favorite drinks black tea, green tea, and hot cocoa.
“アアアア好きな飲み物言ったら。ホットココアお願いします” (Oooo that’s why you asked what my favorite drinks were, Hot Cocoa please)

The Sound of Clinking Glasses

signaled the start to our dessert as A Charlie Brown Christmas played in the background. My eyes drifted from the screen to her face, light from the candles and dimmed dome light emanated a warm soft hue that made her glow. When the cake slices and hot cocoa were finished I reached out and grabbed her hand again. I’m here for you. Although now that I grabbed her hand it we were holding hands mid air awkwardly so I cupped them for a small moment. Pulling my hand into her lap she cupped it there and that’s where they stayed. My hands were rough and calloused. . . were they really okay to hold?

My life wouldn’t be complete without an awkward moment, but not having watched A Charlie Brown Christmas in years I’d forgotten that there cough cough*
(Impersonates Mom’s Filipino Voice) “Strong Catholic Undertones” included in Linus’s what Christmas is really about speech. Although it was probably more awkward for me than it was for her. . . I really hope she didn’t understand that bit. It did remind me of my time in my childhood when things were much more simple. There was a time when I fully believed in the words of the adults in my life, but I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t for selfish reasons. My view on theology had expanded and become more complex. . . I just wish my family didn’t see that as a bad thing.

Playing Guitar In Front of others

is something I’ve done before, it’s something I’ve done quite a lot of actually. And despite wanting to be a talented performer, I sadly wasn’t blessed with that ability. Why is that that playing in front of just one person sitting right here in front of me was the most difficult performance I’d given in my life? Despite the mistakes and slip ups, she was still really happy that I had played for her. . . seeing the dimming lights outside it was time to leave.

After Grabbing My Multiple Bags

we left for the park. “It’s dark” she said excitedly. Only having been to Azumino Park once by bike, this would be her first time seeing the light display in the winter. To be able to gift someone a new experience made me feel like a hero in a movie for a split second. This was also a chance for me to show off some of my useless skills. Driving incredibly smooth is something I practice every time I get behind the wheel.

It is more fun to drive a slow car fast than to drive a fast car

slow.

Abner Perney

When I look fast, I’m not smooth and I am going slowly. And when I look slow, I am smooth and going fast.

Alain Prost

One of my dreams is to be able to race cars, drift cars, and rally cars one day, so I figure if I can’t drive a car smooth in normal conditions how will I able to do so “at the limit”. Driving is one of those things like menu and heads up display design in games in that you only really notice it when it’s performed badly. But you can make the ride more smooth for you and the date sitting in the passenger seat by learning how to rev match, looking far ahead for road divots, braking or coasting earlier than usual, and lastly having smooth acceleration control. It was nice to look over and see someone sitting in the passenger seat, the way the streetlights highlighted her form as we drove along was mesmerizing, but I had to remember to keep my eyes on the road.

Heading to the Park

we held hands until we got to the indoor entrance, the abundance of couples holding hands made me wonder if all those people writing articles about dating in Japan were writing from experience or research? Entering the display of lights I was stunned that something so magical could be created by a collection of simple point lights.

“すごい ” she said looking around at the various displays. Upon entering there was a small place where couples could take photos together but I hadn’t noticed it until she brought me over right in front of it. After taking our photo with Rudolph, we were walked over to the small place where they made post cards for ten dollars, it was hard to say no when they had the finished product right there for you to see. I wanted to keep that memory forever. As we made our way down to the tunnel of lights I again grabbed her hand as we made it through the the illumination.

It was my first time

actually holding hands like a couple does with the interlocked fingers. . . the only other time I’d held hands with someone outside of my family was in church where the girls were pretty much forced to. I still remember some of the scowls I recieved in grade school when the girls realized they had to hold my hand. We strolled leisurely, stopping to take pictures every now and then. I was supposed to be looking at the lights, but there was one thing brighter than any of the lights could have ever been.

While she was already pretty the subtle illumination from the seemingly thousands of lights made her look even more stunning. While normally I kept those kinds of thoughts to myself thanks to all of my past failures and the time I’d poured into reading and applying self development books I spoke up.
“Hey, you look really pretty right now.”
“ねえええええーねえええええー” she said, even in the subtle light her cheeks were noticeably red. Gazing into her eyes as we walked she looked away nervously every now and then. Seeming to go well after walking a little bit longer I leaned in again.
“You’re warm” of course physically that was true, but her personality also made me feel that way. A smile crept across her face as if she was trying initially to hide her feelings.
“You’re warm too” she stated, I was trying to “stay cool” about it, but I couldn’t stop the smile from spreading across my face either.

A small clearing

to the left was the perfect spot to pull “the move” which in action consisted of a lot more “ちょっと待って(please wait a little)” chotto mattes than I wanted to say. In preparation for the date I’d been reading articles about dating in Japan. All of which said. . . kissing, holding hands, and other PDAs were highly advised against. As I said before, I think that’s changing with the younger generation, and sometimes you just have to put your middle fingers up to social convention and do what you believe is right in your heart. I mean last date we were feeding each other right?

I’d rather be hated for who I am than loved for who I am not

Kurt Cobain

Gift in hand, mistletoe in place, and santa hat on head I bent over and gave my date a small peck on the cheek. “あけてい、いい” so far so good “mistletoeから”(Japanglish lol) I passed over the gift and the hand letter in Japanese expressing my feelings. I got about halfway through saying it before my embarrassment over my bad Japanese and expressing my true self got the better of me. I took a deep breath and said the one thing I knew I could say perfectly.
“君が好きから好きあってください” I looked at her in a face that was probably a longing grimace. . . I should have practiced in the mirror both the speech and the face.

My heart thumped

and time stopped for what could’ve been a thousand years. When I got an instant
“Yes” I’d felt as if I was Atlas finally being relieved of his duty of supporting the world. I was so excited that I hugged her and kissed her on the cheek once more, the suprising thing was this time there was a small peck back. With a newfound joy in my heart, I watched as my now girlfriend studied the package in her hands. Despite the shoddy craftsmanship, she admired the effort I had taken into designing the wrapping paper. I watched as she carefully tried to keep the paper intact while removing the package contents. It was so cute that she tried to keep it together, but after a couple minutes she’d given up and asked me if it was okay to rip it.
“いいよ” (it’s fine)
I can’t give you much in terms of wealth right now, but the one thing I’m gifted with and cannot buy more of is time, those hours spent wrapping this are also gifts to you

After twenty-four years of being single, it was worth the wait

Laidbackmarco

“履きたい”(I want to put them on She Said) and again like the princess she was to me I would help her put them on.

My Little Sister

is super extra when it comes to some things, me having the same D.N.A. I can tend to be extra sometimes too. Bringing my giant DSLR and a tripod to take pictures of us might have been extra but there were big advantages.

• The sensor size of a real camera made for better shots in low light
• with a 50mm prime lens I could get the shallow depth of field and aperture settings I so desired
• Using my smartphone as a remote I could take the shot whilst standing from a good distance away.
• Lastly we wouldn’t have to interrupt someone else’s date

Opening the thermos we drank a little bit of hot tea before leaving to our final destination. We walked in a straight line to where my car was parked and hit a fork in the road . There was a small retaining wall elevating us from the level of my car which was about five feet below. I was thinking if I was alone I’d just jump down, but I pointed to the right indicating that we could walk around. As I was about to make the suggestion that we walk around she turned and said
“let’s jump” With a smile on my face, I followed suit. Jumping down with glee.

Full Circle

dates end very similarly to how they begin. The night would end with a dinner, but of course before that it was time to show off those driving skills. This time using the GPS we were laughing at the all english navigation. Both impersonating Japanese station announcements and gps directions, I commented on how nice Japanese requests sounded compared to the English ones.

Arriving at the restaurant, I was happy that had made a reservation this time, being a little early for dinner we were the first ones there. It was a nice feeling being able to walk in and just say I’m Marco. Being shown to our table it was a traditional Japanese style restaurant which meant the seats where at a table just above the ground and there was a pit where you put your legs. A small heater lay in the pit to keep you warm. The small heater gave the feeling of being next to a fireplace, the sense of heat from a single small source was a new one to me. And like a cat I enjoy staying huddled next to sources of heat.

I Can’t Help It

Eating, chatting, and bonding, I settled resting my feet on a cute bunny face, which was warm. Every now and then we would hit a point where no words needed to be said, simply looking and observing was enough. Breaking out into small mutual laughter as neither of us could stop smiling. When we tried it just dissolved into laughter again. After our food was finished I payed for dinner and we made it to. . .

My least Favorite Part of My time with her is

the trip that eventually led to goodbye. In the ramen shop, in front of the castle, in front of the station, and now driving to where we began the wild adventure.
“楽しかった？”(Was It Fun?)
“うん楽しかった。マルコ今日はありがとう I’m happy to become your 彼女”

“Me too I’m really happy that you are my 彼女” I then proceeded to say a bunch of things like wow I have this cute girlfriend, and how happy I was, in funny voices to get her giggling again. . . it was probably because I was a little uncomfortable with the serious direction things had taken. After she laughed a little . . .she looked down before saying another thing I’ll never forget.
“This was my happiest christmas ever”

It was a mutual feeling, I thought my Christmas happiness had peaked when I was in my youth, the now second best christmas was me getting an xbox at ten, followed by a small stuffed moose when I was really little.(I still have this moose by the way). The new king of the hill was the date that was in its final act. It’s strange because fans of my game livestream (please check it out if you watch twitch), will remember ever since I’ve started streaming six years ago, every year I’d say the same thing.

All I want for christmas is to be able to make money with my creativity or a girlfriend . . . but we know that will never happen

LaidbackMarco

My first christmas in six years not streaming is ironic considering I want that to be part of my job when I grow up

See You

When we drove back to where we met at the beginning of the day it was time to say bye. I was taught never to just drop off a girl, so I walked around my car and said bye face to face. Again I hugged her. She kissed my cheek first so I kissed her back, one last simultaneous peck before I made my way back to my car. Returning to regular day to day life after a date made the world lose some of its color. Like the saturation was drained, but it was worth it to experience new levels that I had never seen before.

My mom and sisters strongly advised against me being this personal and posting like this. . . but few people, mainly just my family members themselves read this blog. This blog was meant for people like me who have trouble dealing with feelings and human relationships. It is through writing that I’m able to process things that have gone on in my life.

If I had listened to my mom all the time I wouldn’t be sitting here in Japan right now, nor would I have one of my favorite life memories. as I’ve started to do things I believe are right. If my girlfriend sees this gets angry, is embarrassed, or anything along those lines I’ll be happy to take it down. . .

Now as you go out into the world please do what scares you, be your authentic self, spread your love and have fun.
Let’s have a Laidback Life,
Much Love ❤ LaidbackMarco

P.S. When did my life turn into a rom-com, I watched too many with my sisters when I was young??

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