Restless Night
After I had worked up enough courage to tell my boss I needed to use my paid leave and possibly go on sick leave to seek a specialist’s help in Osaka. Lying in my bed, the selfie I took to monitor my decaying condition only caused the black hole inside my spirit to grow in size. Rolling over I closed my eyes and let the darkness consume me. When I could get it, sleep was one of my only respites sometimes I could dissociate while playing games, but in the end, you always wake up, you always get dragged back into reality. I wanted to crawl into the blackness forever, to escape this mess, to avoid the pain.
I was floating in the void. . . only the feeling of my body resting in the bed tied me to the world. Although I closed my eyes, hours passed by as I lie in a dark, cold, lonely room sleep eluded me like the healthy skin I sought. My phone vibrated and buzzed violently, wanting to ignore the outside world I kept my eyes glued together. The ringing will pass . . . but the phone continued to disturb my attempted hibernation.
Rolling over took longer than it should have, but I was finally able to see who was constantly disturbing my slumber, although I already had an idea. My mom’s profile picture illuminated the small area around my room, the only way the ringing would stop is if I answered the call.
We’ll Be There For You
“How are you?” she asked while wearing a comforting smile. . . it was a hard question to answer at this time. Although I gave her a lukewarm response, she carried my optimism for me as she exuded about my planned trip to Osaka the following week. My little sister smiled in the background while showing me their new puppy Diana whose curly hypoallergenic hair bobbed with her fluffy ears. My mom’s tone shifted from optimism to doting with a touch of melancholy as she stated.
“If Doctor Sato doesn’t take you, you can always come home. . . I’ll take care of you I’m a nurse after all. Even though we can’t put you on unemployment because you haven’t worked here for over 24 months. We can try to put you on disability until you recover and Tatay, Karina, and I will take care of you.” There was a long pause as I thought about moving back home with my parents and little sister. Being a fan of cynical smart-ass responses, I cracked a slight smile and sounded off.
“It’s funny how when the government takes money from you it’s swift, but when you need it from them you have to jump through hell and high water. It might be hard to get disability because doctors will say that the patient is refusing to use steroids to treat the problem and it might leave me unqualified. But if Doctor Sato says no, even though I’ve grown to love Japan and my dream is here I guess I don’t have a choice”. The logistics of moving countries again made my head hurt, the idea of giving up my dream of becoming an artist here in Japan made my soul hurt.
“Well make sure you tell Yuna and your friends! Love you see you later” we said our goodbyes and once again I was in that dark cold room with only the glow of my phone. Since I already held the device I sent some messages to my friends and one of the brightest things in my dark life. After some time my phone buzzed with responses.
Weekend Plans
“Sweet let’s go for a drive then hang out” – Ron
“I hope you’re able to find relief let’s go for a drive when you get out!” – Yushi
“I’m glad you’re going to see a specialist I hope he can heal you.” – Dave
“Let’s meet at Ron’s and go snowboarding the next day” – Gerry
“I’m free this Sunday, don’t you want to see me” – Yuna
I paused as I looked at the last message. . . of course I wanted to see my Yu Chan, we had been dating for as long as I’d lived in Japan almost. I just didn’t want her to see me this way, despite what she said last time we met when my skin was having issues.
I’m with you because of what’s on the inside.
I was hesitant to want to meet with her still, but what did that say about me? Was I afraid to trust people fully, to be vulnerable around them. Maybe it was in the times that we were at our lowest that we saw how much someone really cared for us? Why did it seem like everyone around me was capable of showing me love and grace I wasn’t capable of showing myself.
