I found myself behind schedule as always, the feeling of guiding an all-wheel-drive turbo car over long stretches of highway was a familiar sensation. Memories of driving my world rally blue Impreza WRX to college and back felt bitter-sweet. A shy wallflower, even with the clear skin I had back then I was uncomfortable in it. Loading my bag into the white Lancer Evolution IV, most bad feelings would dissipate when I got behind the wheel. Life had molded a sentimental space in my heart for cars and driving.
Vague fragments of my dad using the idling engine as a lullaby before carrying to bed lingered in my mind. The cool blue hues of neon lights from the bar he used to take me to(it was legal to take kids to bars if their parents were there before they changed some law), where I clutched onto an arcade cabinet’s wheel long after the supply of quarters ran out. It wasn’t long before I was pedaling a toy car around the block before graduating to motorcycles and go-karts. At sixteen I was still a kid, but it didn’t stop me from getting my license like many other Americans. My dad was with me every step of the way, his absence now was hard to handle. When I got into a pinch he was always there to pull me out of it, but since he was almost five-thousand miles away, it was up to me to deal with topical steroid withdrawal. I was a grown man now, but a part of me was still that little kid wanting to clutch onto someone in times of need.
Ain’t No Mountain High Enough
Other than sentimental feelings driving also enabled a form of freedom, control, and the sense that you could go anywhere. Life felt like it was on rails, despite my efforts it felt like my actions had little bearing on which direction life dragged me. Behind the wheel was another story, there are different roads in every direction. Maybe it was the American in me, but there was always something romantic about a good road trip. If it weren’t for the tolls and gas prices in Japan, it was probably something I’d do more often.
As I made my out of Nagano prefecture I traded tree-covered mountain tops for the plains of Gifu. Two and a half hours later, I found myself halfway along my journey in Aichi. This is crazy I’m driving halfway through the country in a last-ditch effort to treat my worsening symptoms. While Dupixent helped to ease my symptoms for a small period, it also gave me a dose of bad side effects. One “miracle cure” having failed already, I was skeptical of the photos of Tokuko’s progress online. The cynic in me was convinced the process would fail to improve my condition. No Moisture Treatment at Hannan Chuo Hospital was my Hail Mary, if they didn’t take me due to my lack of Japanese skill I would end up quitting everything and moving back to America.
It Was Only Just a Dream
In a salty state, I made my way into Kyoto, the optimistic soft spot in my heart pierced through my soul like a sun break on an overcast day. The whole reason I had come to Japan was to attempt to learn enough Japanese to go to animation school in the city I was driving right by. The golden rays were once again covered by the gray clouds, I was no closer to my goal than I was three years ago when I’d started the journey.
Life was cruel like that sometimes, bringing desired things so close, but like ghosts or fog when you reached out they just slipped through your fingers. Sometimes your wants and desires were ethereal things you couldn’t touch. Life was like a series of train-wrecks, almost, and maybes. What was the sadistic force that brought me close but never to my goals? Multiple times I had watched my dream car pass by with another person driving it. Something separated me and that person, but I couldn’t tell you what it was.
Financially I wasn’t sure if I could even save up for animation school, or language school, I wasn’t sure that I could take the time off work to get treated. As my economic situation pulled me into an increasingly apathetic state, I sat in the parking lot of the hospital that I had read about online. I had always wanted to visit Osaka for its nightclub and car scene, I guess my first time visiting the big city would be far less glamorous than I had imagined.
You Have Arrived
Once I had worked up enough courage to try my luck, I went into the hospital. The double doors parted as I made my way to the reception.
“It’s my first time coming here.” the receptionist looked at me before asking.
“Do you have an appointment?” I shook my head signaling I didn’t. Looking at the clock it was about 3:00 PM, she explained that the hospital stopped accepting new patients without an appointment at about 11:30 AM. She pulled out a chart and showed me when the dermatologists were in, Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday. I was relived that I had decided to drive down on monday as I could try my luck tomorrow. The one good thing about Covid-19 was that hotel costs were extremely reduced in large cities like Osaka.
