Believing in Change is difficult after a year like 2023. Was this past year this difficult for everyone? The extra wrinkles on my face and my thinning hairline make me think that that life is all downhill from here. As a result I’ve been worrying about my life in five to ten years.
My new home was dingy and a little rough around the edges, perhaps reflecting the new tenant. After work, I spent a lot of time floating in the endless abyss of deep sleep. While waking up should be something to look forward to, opposite I was disappointed to wake up most days. In other words dreams can be more interesting than everyday existence.
Past the Expiration Date
After tirelessly filling out job applications, employers didn’t even have the decency to respond to me. Consequently, I felt like an unwanted product past the due date. My extended stay with my cousin, meant to last a couple of months, stretched into half a year — an imposition I hadn’t intended. I was finally living on my own, the heater did nothing to quell the freezing cold of an empty house. I was an outcast in society, the black sheep of the family.
What was I good at? Where is my place in this world? Despite my skills as a writer, a skill that seemed outdated in 2023, I could never pinpoint how I really felt. 2024 felt like it was going to be more of the same. Shrouded in shadow it was hard believing in change. So I closed my eyes and tossed myself to the abyss.
Hibernating Through New Year’s Eve
I woke up numerous times throughout the day. The world felt too cold and heavy so I kept closing my eyes, the abyss of sleep in my covers was better than the cold harsh reality of the world we lived in. It was about 18:00 before I dragged myself out of bed to finish placing my stuff around my new place.
My new apartment was anything but new. The wallpaper showed years of wear and tear. I felt maybe I deserved that. My new home showed signs of wear. The new tenant was no different.
A Cold Shower and a Spark of Hope
I turned on the water and only heard the sound of the squeaking knob. The water wasn’t turned on yet. The last thing I wanted to do was sort out water function with a phone call to the local water company. I had a warm place to sleep and running water , I should be thankful for that at least.
I jolted my body as the cold water hit me. The gas was stopped until next week. There was no internet in my house yet either. The one simple joy that I probably indulged in too much in life, online gaming I wasn’t even able to do anymore. What a terrible time investment I thought, you reach the top 1% in a game called APEX legends and no one gives a fuck. You’re end up broke and far behind on your dreams.
It’s not easy to be good at games. The reality is a hard grind. It’s stressful to compete at the highest level. I recieved the reward of higher skilled lobbies. Thanks Skill based matchmaking. You never feel like you improve. Great life choices.
The Heavy Responsibilities of Life
City tax, the cost of maintaining my cars, the job interview I had the next week hung over my head attached by a thin thread. Better land this job or this apartment I’m sitting in would be a waste of an investment. . . Why couldn’t I get a job that payed well and also matched my interests? I guess I wasn’t enough. I learned not to trust corporations or your managers unless it’s in a contract. A corporation had promised remote work as a contractor but that work never came. I was lucky to have remote work with the large branch of the corporation, but it was far from making full time wages. That’s how I ended up in the situation I was in. Scrambling for employment to keep my visa. . . Loving Japan was like loving a girl that didn’t feel the same way about you.
I took cold showers when I went on my self development binge so I was a little used to it. Much help that self development did right? I developed right into a loser. . . it was hard believing in change.
Believing in Change: The Night That Changes Everything
I was right on the verge of sleeping through the new year. It’s easy to miss a moment that could define the start to my new year. I dug deep and found the motivation to drag my ass out of bed. I found myself on the train to Shinjuku. My destination was WARP. Warp held a special place in my heart. I had seen my favorite DJ MitiS perform, I too longed to play my music on stage for people. I was wondering if that opportunity would ever come, it had a higher chance of coming true if I actually went out and talked to people than it would if I sat in my room doing absolutely nothing.
There was a giant line forming in front of the club. I kept to myself as I entered the dimly lit neon club. My MitiS jersey was a prized possession that got me some compliments as I ordered my drink.
“Should I really have gone out and payed for a cover charge when I hadn’t secured the job in Tokyo. I still need to pay rent, fix my EVO, and fix my 180SX before it conked out on me”
A Newfound Resolve: Believing in Change
Those intrusive thoughts dissipated as soon as I got a couple drinks in me. It wasn’t long before I was making friends and talking to strangers. For the rest of the night nothing else mattered but having fun. Whether it was dancing, talking to people, counting down, getting excited, it was all about living in the moment. At that instant I wasn’t Marco anymore. I was a part of something larger — a collective beat, a shared moment of joy. It was a reminder of why I yearned to be a DJ: to lose oneself in the music and find joy amidst the chaos.
It was possible to give that feeling of fun and forgetting your worries to other people. How could I do that in my own way? The first thing was to believing that things could change. After meeting more friends from all around the world I stayed out until the first train back home. I guess I was one of those degenerates. I was glad to have started off the new year on the right foot.
Believing in Change: Almost a Matrix Meme
I never made resolutions, but maybe this year was the year to start. The thing about change was beginning to believe in change. Like Neo from the Matrix, he begins to wake up from the dream when he believes in his ability. Maybe it was time for me to believe in myself and really chase my dreams.
Anyway here’s to a better 2024,
Much Love <3
LaidbackMarco
