This blog post will start like many others I’ve written. My search to find “It”—the ever elusive spice of life, the flow, the Tao, Zen, God, the Universe, or maybe just a reason to get out of bed each day. Once again, I’ll reaffirm my desire and commitment to share my life online, for whatever it’s worth.
Even though I’ve never been saved in combat, a line from Saving Private Ryan has echoed in my mind for years:
Earn This . . . Earn it
Captain Miller – Saving Private Ryan
While I haven’t experienced the horror of war, I’ve had my own close encounters with death. They’re reminders that life isn’t handed to you freely—it’s something you have to earn. This is just another chapter in my ongoing attempt to “use my talents”—as it’s written in another book.
Not the Most Consistent, But More Than Before
As I approach thirty, I hear the same refrain from everyone: life is about to get better. But my subjective experience tells a different story. I feel like I’m living in a parallel reality where things continue to unravel at an increasing rate.
At 18, I was sure of everything, the ground firm beneath me. At 22, I learned to fly, believing I knew the way. But like the myths of old, my journey has been anything but simple. I’ve been swept into storms so fierce they unraveled the horizon, turning the skies upside down and erasing every point of reference, until I no longer knew where the earth ended and the clouds began. Now, nearing 30, I’m drifting through boundless space, unsure of where I’m headed, but comforted by one constant—I’ve always wanted to soar.
Despite the feeling of drifting, one thing that keeps me grounded is this blog. I promised myself I’d write more, and I’ve mostly kept that promise. Maybe it’s because part of my job is writing daily reports, but this blog feels different. It’s not just about recording events; it’s about trying to make sense of a life that seems to be happening too fast to grasp.
The X-Factor: What Sets People Apart?
There are certain people who have something more. Whether it’s a Reality Distortion Field, relentless self-belief, or sheer God-given talent, I’ll never know. These are the people who are, as they say, simply built different. It’s not just their love for their craft or their determination—it’s something beyond that.
I felt the difference clearly on the racetrack recently.
Didn’t Have the Pace
As some of you know I work as a Tour Leader. My most recent group was a wealthy family from the UK. This was one of the first times I’ve traveled with people from a far different tax bracket than my own. It reminded me of the first time I spent time around wealthy people, visiting a friend in Hawaii. When you walk into those high-end hotel lobbies, you can’t help but feel like you don’t belong, no matter how hard you work or hustle. Lately, despite all my efforts, I’ve felt like I’ve been coming up short.
I had the opportunity to take this family around Japan, and when I learned they loved racing, I suggested we visit City Circuit Tokyo Bay. What I didn’t know was that one of them had competed in international karting competitions against future F1 drivers. Naturally, I tried to keep up with him. I watched his kart pull away, corner after corner, with each lap feeling more futile.
Over a lap, he had a 1.3-second advantage, on a track that took only 53 seconds to complete. No matter what I tried—braking later, getting closer to the walls, being smooth on the throttle—it was like he was racing in another league. And, in many ways, he was.
To echo the words of many an F1 driver:
We just didn’t have the pace today
Various F1 Drivers
Floundering About
It’s easy to say it’s unfair to compare myself to someone who’s been karting for years, especially considering it was only my fourth time on a track. But comparison is a trap, and it’s one I’ve fallen into too many times. Maybe it’s the media we consume or the way we were told we were “special” growing up. It’s hard not to measure yourself against others, especially when you’re as competitive as I am.
Perhaps it’s because I’m so competitive. Despite leaving sports behind ages ago, I still pursue that feeling via eSports and Races. The pleasure of self-discovery, finding my limits, and improving push me forward.
Stuck in the Midfield
The Scary thing is that although the member of the family was already leagues ahead of me the professional drivers are a step above even that. What is the meaning of life when you’re stuck in mediocrity and the midfield.
We live in a world where success stories are idolized—people like Steve Jobs or Michael Jordan are elevated to mythic status, as if they’re playing a game that mere mortals can’t even enter. We look at them and think there’s something fundamentally different about them, and maybe there is. But what about the rest of us, those of us who grind away without that “X-factor”?
I think my football coach in grade school said it best
Man Ain’t nobody like losing, if someone tells you they like losing they’re lying to you
Coach Miles
All you can do is figure out how to turn those losses into something better down the road.
Even Then Sometimes Things Don’t Work Out
As someone who tends to overthink, I often find myself caught up in memories of things that didn’t work out. There have been so many times I’ve fully committed to something only to see no real results. One example I always go back to is my attempt to become a professional gamer or content creator in the League of Legends space. Back in college, I streamed for 12 to 15 hours a day, trying to be the next big thing. It got so serious that I almost dropped out of school.
And yet, despite all that effort, it didn’t pan out.
At almost thirty I think about what my life might have been if things worked out. I’ve improved at gaming since that time, but I’m not delusional enough to think that I’ll somehow have a renaissance around my chances at wearing an esports jersey in a professional setting despite the existence of the Silver Snipers.
I Can Perform at a High Level
The funny thing is I’ve proven over my time with Apex Legends that I can perform at a high level. During high-level Ranked matches sometimes our squad will go up against Apex Predators. For those of you unfamiliar with that Apex Preds are the top .26 % of players in the game. These are players who usually play the game for a living or have some content creation strategy. On the other hand players like me and my squad will have to log onto matches during the weekend, or squeeze some games in between work. With my best efforts, I’ve gotten into the top 1.6% of players, but Esports is a field where realistically only the top .3 to .2 percent of players can even just scrape by.
One of the aspects I love about Esports is the ability to show skill expression and push yourself to new heights. A small regret of mine is perhaps I could have invested my time to something that advances my life in a better direction. I imagine being a top 1.6% artist, banker, salesman, content creator, or musician would fare better than being a gamer. There is one positive take away, however. If I can will myself to the top percentile in gaming, a feat easier said than done, can I will myself to the top in other areas of life?
Kaizen in Action
My mindset about improvement has changed over time. I no longer chase the dream of being a pro League of Legends player, but my time with Apex Legends has taught me a lot. Apex is a different game, but my approach to it—grinding to reach the top 1.6% of players—reflects a more mature understanding of improvement.
I’m not aiming to be the best in the world anymore. Instead, I’m focused on pushing myself, even when it’s hard, even when it feels pointless. The gap between me and the top 0.26% of players (the Apex Predators) is massive, but it’s not the same as it used to be. My growth now comes from understanding my own limits and knowing where I want to improve.
Living in a Gray World, Do I Really Like Anything, Is it Just Depression?
Despite carrying the burdens of artist, musician, gamer, and overall creator I find that I lack passion for almost anything in my life now. Although I’ve listened to Linkin Park’s Numb since my middle school days, It’s only now that I find myself relating to the lyrics. In the End, off their Hybrid Theory album makes me think I’m probably not the only artist feeling a sense of constantly impending doom. It’s not like I don’t find doing certain things enjoyable, but I’ve had the fleeting sense of losing the ability to get immersed and in love with any form of creative expression anymore. Looking back at my life I’m wondering where that change occurred.
Recently on a Trip to Taiwan, my mom and I were talking about life. “You used to be so happy” . . . I dwelled on the thought of me being in that state of bliss again. Aren’t most young men full of hope and potential happy? Perhaps it was naivety that fueled that happiness, but what happened? Perhaps it’s through the forging of life circumstances that allows us to feel real joy, as a child perhaps it’s innocence that fuels that joy, as an adult maybe we can find the gold flakes in a muddy stream.
Desaturated
Living with depression is like watching the world lose its color. It’s not that things become black and white; it’s more like they fade into an endless gray. The things that once brought me joy feel distant, numb. Life feels more like something that happens to me than something I actively engage in.
I’ve been creating—writing, drawing, producing content—but it’s no longer out of passion. Now, it’s more like I’m trying to fill a void, hoping to alleviate the pain for a moment. The weight of these labels—artist, gamer, musician—feels heavier than ever, but instead of pushing me forward, they hold me in place.
The weight of the aforementioned labels spurs me to write, draw, and produce content not because of the joy it gives, but the pain it temporarily soothes. Do I even like anime, music, art, games, Japan, or myself anymore? Do I like anything anymore? Maybe it’s just that the chemicals in my brain are unbalanced. If I do an act with the sense of duty or obligation as a fuel as opposed to desire does it make it less valuable?
Perhaps it’s the image the social media influencers who do creative work like to put out. It always seem like they love what they do and they are always passionate about it. . . perhaps I’m too lukewarm with stuff.
The Old Gaurd
As much as I hate the endlessly phony and fake social media world I’m a part of our modern technology offers some gems. One of the internet jewels is an interview with Stephen King and George Martin. Although they are authors, their approach couldn’t be any more different. While George Martin is a writer who only writes “When he feels like it” Stephen King’s approach makes me take comfort with my own. King doesn’t always enjoy writing either. Some days he struggles to write, but he forces himself due to a sense of obligation. Creativity is an ongoing battle of willpower and determination. For those of us who haven’t seen any success in the field, the struggle is greater.
Ikigai Why Stay Alive?
I started writing this book because of a book trending in the corporate space, “Ikigai: The Japanese Secret to a Long and Happy Life”. My love of Japanese Philosophy, my current headspace, and the feeling of floundering about in the oceans of life lead me to read a free sample on my kindle. Not knowing if I wanted to fully invest the 15 or so dollars into purchasing the book outright after the sample I headed to good reads. Despite the high praise on sites like Amazon, I headed to Good Reads to find that the Reviews are more mixed. With the nature of online reviews, I decided to trust a collection of seasoned readers as opposed to your average Amazon consumer. Not fully trusting reviews on either site.
Information Overload and Trust Issues
I vetted some of the Good Reads reviews to see how legit they were. The problem with modern information overload is that it is hard to trust the data you see. Anyone can really write a review on Amazon or Good Reads, do I trust that person’s intelligence, life experience, or perspective? Perhaps the sheer volume of reviews should be trusted? But if I look at the average person and American is that the perspective of someone I want to agree with. Moral quandaries with no real answer.
Reading some of the Negative criticism I decided to not use 11$ to purchase the book. I’m not sure why there was such a hesitance to use 11$, perhaps it’s because I’ve been poor my entire working adult life experience. Perhaps it was due to the time allocation for information and knowledge that wasn’t that valuable. Some of the negative criticism was the book was less instructional and more platitudes and case studies. The piece of negative criticism that really resonated with me is the book’s emphasis on the length of life.
Ghost in the Shell
Ghost in the Shell is a 1995 classic where Motoko Kusanagi, a fully cybernetic being, questions the value of her life. She’s alive, technically, but what does that mean when you’re mostly machine?
The idea of longevity is only appealing to me if it came in a form like that—something beyond human, beyond this fragile body. I joke about wanting a cyborg catgirl body, but there’s something real underneath the humor. If I could live longer, I’d want it to be in a form that transcends the limitations of this decaying flesh. Like Kusanagi, I’d want to be more than human, to push the boundaries of existence in a way that still feels meaningful. Otherwise, what’s the point of stretching out life for the sake of mere survival?
Is it the Depression or Would I Rather Burn Brighter Shorter
“Do not go gentle into that good right. . . Rage, rage into the dying of the light”.
Dylan Thomas
The emphasis on extending the length of One’s life is a puzzling to me. We make efforts to stay alive longer even if it means being hooked up to machines and stationary in a hospital bed somewhere. . . as someone who has had the unfortunate experience of being in a children’s hospital for nearly three weeks, I can’t say I’m looking forward to the experience. Although being in that hospital is probably one of the reasons I like video games so much.
The idea of staying alive just for the sake of survival feels hollow. Like in Ghost in the Shell, where Kusanagi questions her own existence, the value of living isn’t found in the simple act of extending life—it’s in why you live and how you experience it. If I’m going to live longer, I want it to be with purpose, with something that drives me forward.
Otherwise, it’s just prolonging a slow fade into nothingness.
The Body and the Mind
Before going on a side tangent, so many things that I enjoy in life require an able body. The terror of being of an imaginative mind in a feeble human body isn’t a new one. I’ve always had the impression that I’d prefer living a short, exciting, adventurous life than a long one full of regrets. . . Unless I can get a cyborg catgirl body I would rather not live past the age of perhaps 50. At almost 30 that would shock most if not all people who bother to read my posts. (Many if not all of you who a read, and b have the patience to read this far into my post are in that age bracket).
They say the bulbs that burn bright don’t last as long as the ones who put out a dim light over a long time. The nail that sticks out tends to get hammered. What’s the point of going on living to do things you don’t enjoy, to keep go on living? A paraphrased example from Alan Watts. . . I ponder that as well. Perhaps I never got over my teenage angst and anger? Perhaps that’s why the cyberpunk game franchise appeals to me so much. The more I ask myself would I rather burn less brightly for longer or more intesely for a small sliver of time? Finally I wonder if my light shines at all nowadays.
What is it That You Want? Best to Know Lest the World Chose it For You.
Well who are you and what do you want to be? At this point in my life I’ve lost touch with who I am and who I wanted to be. It changes all the time, doesn’t it. In the ocean of life I used to refer to myself as a sailboat. Perhaps even saying sailboat is too self-aggrandizing? I’m more of a liferaft. . . no driftwood. I want what everyone else wants in life perhaps a little bit of wealth, a small amount of recognition, friends, family, and the ability to create at the scale of my mind’s limits. . . perhaps I’m there already and I don’t want to admit to myself that my limit is so low.
The thing is you can want a bunch of things but you can never have all of them. Jack of all trades master of none in a world that has become so hyper-specialized. I want to go racing, create clothes, t-shirts, designs, music, play at a festival. The bucket list goes on, but because I don’t chose one thing I find that i don’t have anything. Because I can’t chose the world chooses for me. At the end of the day I feel like a loser, a cog in the machine, a faceless thoughtless entity, a product of society. At other times I feel too attached to myself wanting to be set free.
What is Success Anyway?
As I approach thirty, I’ve been asking myself more often what success really means. I’ve never been driven purely by money, but I know that having more of it opens doors—better opportunities, better tools, better resources. It grants you access to the one thing that feels truly scarce: time.
Success used to mean recognition, making a name for myself, proving that I was better at something than most people. Now, I’m not so sure. What if success is quieter than that? What if it’s not about being at the top but finding peace in the middle?
And yeah, part of me still clings to the idea of longevity—whether it’s living for 150 years as a cybernetic being or just having enough time to really figure things out. But even that dream comes with questions. Would my ambitions even matter after a century of chasing them? Or would they just evolve into something else entirely, leaving me in another loop of searching for meaning?
Purpose, Calling, Ikigai
So once again I’m on the quest to find my purpose, calling, or Ikigai. One of the first tasks in the book I decided to pick up instead of the wishy-washy title focusing on longevity but rather more an instructional technical manual on finding the “thatness” of life. Ikigai & Kaizen by Anthony Raymond is a more concrete grounded book on the Japanese concepts of Ikigai and Kaizen. It’s a strategy book to achieve personal happiness and professional success. . . my neurology divergent brain likes that more. The book starts off with explaining what Ikigai is.
- What gives my life meaning?
- what is my true calling?
- What is my Labor of Love
- What is my Passion
With this book comes a worksheet. . . will I actually fill thisworksheet out? I need to start completing things and having a little more disapline if I expect my life to change.
Why do I get out of Bed in the Morning?
Is it a result of reflex, programming, instinct. . .it’s most not certainly because I really want to most days. . .perhaps it’s a more primal motivation of survival? If agent smith asked me in the same fashion as neo why I persisted. . .it’s not because I chose to. . . I don’t really know. I guess there’s still some stupid naive part of me that thinks What if you do achieve your wildest dreams. . . well I guess then they wouldn’t be so wild and extraordinary at all, would they? That stupid American dream of thinking if you believe and work towards it it will happen. The American dream is just that isn’t it. The American dream is a dead myth that is about as real as fantasy characters. Perhaps even though I’d want to sleep all day in my bed it’s time to wake up.
I need to Make Money
So, what’s my short-term reasoning? Well, I need to make money. The love of money still feels morally and ethically wrong, but there’s no denying that it opens up doors—access to better education, better equipment, and nearly any opportunity you can think of. Most crucially, money buys time. I need to make some bread. A long-term study by Lewis Terman in 1920 showed that the biggest predictor of success in life wasn’t intelligence—it was the financial resources families had. But that brings me to a bigger question: why do I want to be “successful” in the first place? What does success even mean?
Perhaps that’s a question I’ll have to continually create my own answer for?
Earnt, Learnt, and Hand Built
So, here I am—still searching for meaning, still searching for “It.” I’ve come to accept that I might never truly find it. Sometimes I feel like a sailboat drifting aimlessly; other times, more like a piece of driftwood carried by the current. But no matter what, I keep moving, keep asking the same questions. Maybe that’s what this whole journey is about—not finding the answers, but continuing to search.
Tom Hanks’ line from Saving Private Ryan stays with me: “Earn this.”
I wasn’t saved in combat, but life has given me more than a few close calls. Every day, I wake up and try to earn this life I’ve been given—through every blog post, every piece of art, every race I run. The search itself is what keeps me going, even if I never get to where I thought I’d be.
Because maybe, in the end, the act of searching is all we really have.
Overdue to do List
Keep better track and record of finances- Design Shirts, Clothes, Sweaters, and Products for the brand
- Make a diagram of LaidbackLifestyle funnels and web
- Redesign website to integrate product sales
- Cleanup YouTube channels, linking, and tags
- Send Ophelia, Monstercat, and Other Labels a Demo. . .how do I put together a demo and press kit?
- Upload any Video To LaidbackGaming
- Make a Drawing
- Create Shortform Content from Nissan Global HQ
- How to Make Music Video DAW
- A7III Review
