Zen, Yen, and No Regrets: Riding The Seas of Life
What if I achieve my dreams and still feel unhappy? The harsh truth of life is that I’ve accomplished some of my dreams. Others I have missed by more than a country mile. It feels like I’ve been grasping at straws trying to make something of my life. What do I do when I’ve always come up short?
The more I dig into life and live the same cycle of work, eat, shit, clean, and then repeat the sequence. Life seems to be a fucked up version of P90x where an endless cycle of repetition makes me wonder what the point of waking up every day is. Is life just Groundhog’s day?
No, it’s worse, it’s a Groundhog’s day where your body degrades over time. The only thing I have to look forward to from here is my legs not working properly, my hair falling out, and literally losing my senses.
This Can be a Career, do I want it to be?
I sit on the other side of a raise and a bonus. The sad truth is someone making the minimum wage in my hometown makes twice or three times my income with no skills, qualifications, or degree. The silver lining is that at least my effort and work are being appreciated by my small young company.
Still, I’d like to track the hours I spend working to see if the effort is financially worthwhile. Different forms of compensation make the salary more opaque than an office job. Tips, meal allowances, experiences, and seeing Japan make it hard to quantify the financial compensation.
Lie Flat, Letting the World Pass Me By
After a busy season, I was a little worse for wear. All I wanted to do was go home and hibernate. As an introvert having to talk and entertain groups of people is draining. I had a couple of days off where I could lie in bed and forget about the world.
“What’s the point”
Waking up after a rest is the worst thing in the world. The most disappointing part is waking up and being unable to sleep again. I sat in my shitty apartment trapped and closed in. My apartment was a representation of the rest of my life. Small, falling apart, and a complete mess.
Eventually, I sat up began organizing my expense reports, writing the trip report, and then cleaning my room. It felt like life was endlessly cleaning only for things to fall into disorder again. It’s no secret that I’m a bit of a doomer. The Chinese philosophy of Bai Lan is something I’ve talked about on my blog before. It’s hard to motivate yourself when you see there is no “Win Condition” as the League of Legends players say.
Wash Your Bowl
While Bai Lan sits at the back of my mind, there are other perhaps healthier Eastern ideals that take up a lot of space in my mind. Zen has had a profound effect on my life. Mindfulness has exploded in popularity in the west and the idea of focusing completely on things that need to get done right in front of you helps to make me feel like I’m on the right track. Despite wanting to sleep more I got up and started to clean my room, before I knew it I was at the laundromat folding my washed clothes. That little bit of positive momentum helped me to start completing my expense reports.
Expense and tour reports really weren’t too difficult to fill out, but after a long day of guiding the last thing you wanted to do was stay up late and write a guiding report. Still moving forward I thought that it was best if I just completed them daily rather than procrastinating and letting them build up. On one of my expense reports I had every receipt uploaded and with me. My other tour I had misplaced an entire folder. After uploading my report my management sent me back a message.
“This is unacceptable, but we will process your expense report this time”.
I sighed with a sense of relief. Following that momentum I started to edit some photos and videos of an inspection. Because the photo processing software was open I ended up editing all my photos. You can see them here.
Corporate Representitive Meeting
The way international tourism works is that small companies like the one I work for, Eighty Days, are contracted by international travel agencies and tour companies. A big representative was coming to meet with us lowly peons.
I didn’t know what to expect meeting a corpo for the first time. My career path has led me to work for smaller startup companies or nonprofits so my exposure to corporate life was LinkedIn cringe or dystopian depictions in cyberpunk fiction. We were given a small briefing via email and we were told to wear something semi-professional, I instead wore the larger company’s branded T-shirt and Jacket. Like having a school uniform it was the easiest decision of my life.
Possible Future
I was surprised how approachable, down-to-earth, and relaxed the corporate representative was. While she made some brief comments about having to manage over 167 people and being in charge of a product line that covered over a thousand different tours she had a similar background to where I was sitting at the moment. Thirty years earlier she was a tour guide herself, I felt like she knew what our lives were like on a daily basis.
As I looked across the table I saw the career path I was on wans’t as much of a dead end as teaching English in Japan. As a tour guide you had the ability to step into the office, create your own tour company or manage teams/accounts/products/projects. My goal in life was to step into the creative field in films, animation, or games, but if that didn’t work out perhaps tour guiding and then transitioning into corporate life was still on the table.
Coworker Coffee
After the meeting, I took the opportunity to catch up with my fellow tour guides. Although it was the first time I’ve had coworkers remotely close to my age, because we were tour guides I rarely saw or hung out with them. We went to a local coffee place in Gotanda that was much nicer than places I usually hang out. My conversation with Jared and Dean was lighthearted and fun. While we took some time to talk about things that we would like to see changed in the company we also talked about recent life events and our plans moving forwards. Dean had recently gotten married and Jared wanted to start a family soon. Life as a tour guide made it tough so I proposed they ask the office for a possible hybrid tour guide and office role which could open up in the future as our company scaled.
What do I want out of Life?
During our conversation, I thought about my plans moving forward. What was it that motivated me to wake up every morning? It was still something I didn’t know. I had poured a lot of effort into trying to make art, music, or video production a part of my life, but it seemed to be not in the cards for me. The urge to lie flat got stronger every time I failed to make meaningful progress.
Perhaps it’s survivorship bias when Outliers talk about sacrificing time to work on their craft. For a large majority of my life, I had sacrificed sleep, going out, and having fun to work on music production and art. Ten years later I had nothing to show for it, the fact of the matter is I just didn’t have that magical spark or talent. I said goodbye and went for dinner with my friends Dave and Gerry.
Oh Yeah I Turned 30
On November 18th, 2024 I turned thirty. After a task I had to do in the morning I spent the day playing video games like a degenerate. Was I happy about turning thirty? Not at all. Despite what other people had told me about the thirties, I believe thirty is the real midlife point. I thought about the despair the downhill journey would entail. My eczema getting worse, my body starting to breakdown, as well as the world seemingly only giving opportunities to young people. . . I should have figured it out by now right? While there are people who consider thirty young I knew it was the beginning of the end. . . I was surprised I even made it to this age.
After my gaming bonanza the day before I met with my friends Gerry and Dave for a celebratory dinner. The only way I knew how to celebrate big events in Japan is to go for Japanese Yakiniku.
Gerry and Dave Found Happiness in Japan
As we ate meat, rice, and drank Sunatory Premium Malts we talked about life. Dave and Gerry really enjoyed life in Japan, I was wondering if I did still. I enjoyed the public trains, alternative fashion, convenience, and safety, but it always felt as if something was missing. Part of me yearned to move back to the US or even try life out in Europe somewhere. Surely, it would be easier to get a job in film, music, gaming, or motorsports in a country that speaks my own language? The other more rational part of my brain understood that the mind always seeks greener pastures elsewhere.
Do You Consider Me Successful?
As I enjoyed the food, beer, and company I thought of a question Dave asked me the last time we got plastered.
“Do you consider me successful?” The question always perplexed me because Dave lived in one of the nicest parts of town, Minato Mirai. Dave also had a great paying remote job for a major corporation, had a lovely wife, and the car of dreams. Unlike me, Dave also possessed the disposable income to maintain and build his car. Gerry and Dave both possessed the life experience, job, and items that would make me happy. . . well maybe I’ll never be happy and that is the curse I have. Ironically, my dream car is a stupid 1986 Toyota Corolla. I can’t even begin to deconstruct why I love it so much, but at this rate, I’ll never be able to afford one.
Dave is one of the few people who have the patience and interest in this blog. Would he consider me successful?
The Birthday Party That Never Was
One thing that made me less depressed about turning thirty was the party I had been planning since mid-September. Growing up it didn’t take me long to realize that in reality, your birthday is just another day. After I turned 14 or so I stopped wanting to treat it like a big deal. In high school I remember walking the halls and seeing the popular kids get all the birthday wishes in the world, of course,e it is a part of human nature to be envious of that. Contrarily I was more of a ghost or phantom on my birthday only looking forward to my favorite meal of Vietnamese Soup at Vien Dong. My mom and siblings would still bother me in the morning reminding me that it was that time of year again.
As a mostly sane rational adult perhaps part of the reason I never celebrated my birthday is my father would often go missing on the day. Maybe that’s why I think my birthday isn’t special? Although I can’t go on blaming my parents for everything, both my sisters treat their birthday like the biggest holidays on earth. Last year and the year before that my cousin encouraged me to celebrate my birthday. To my surprise, it was a lot of fun. We had American BBQ, went to some Bars in Noge, and ended the night at the infamous Bar 76. Guinness on Tap, the house shot, and chocolate mixed drinks left me with the biggest hangover of my life. I also had some of the most fun I had, despite all my study of mindfulness the only time I could be fully present is during times like these.
Let’s Actually Celebrate Turning 30
In September I made the plans. Even going as far as making a Facebook Event. Consulting with my small group of friends we found that the 23rd of November would be the best date. I invited everyone I thought would be able to make it. The lack of RSVPs was understandable given the event would take place two months later. Three weeks before I thought out an actual itinerary.
- 12:00 Lunch at Hooters (Ginza)
- 14:00 Cruise Slowly Around C1 Loop
- 16:00 Joyopolis
- 18:00 Karting Race
- 20:00 Dinner
An F1 Race Cosplay
I made it clear that the main event was Go-Karting and the other stuff was optional. I had rediscovered mn love with Formula 1. Knowing I’d never get to be a driver the only thing I wanted to do in my life is pretend for one day. The main idea was to do the race package with practice, qualifying, and the race. I’d bring my camera so that we could do qualifying interviews and the post-race podium celebration. As the days winded down it was apparent that this event never had the momentum to take off. No one really cares I thought as I canceled the event. The flood of negative thoughts flowed through my mind.
- You have no friends
- No one Cares about you
- You’re not special
- etc.
The negative thoughts continued, I realized that, unlike my cousin who had a caring personality, the sentiment was mirrored by those around him. I perhaps was an awkward asshole with no friends. Not much has changed since high school I thought. “High School Never Ends” I thought back to the only party I got invited to was a sweet sixteen party in which the girl invited the whole grade. I didn’t belong at that party, in that school, or in society at large.
Trying to Abort the Baby
I messaged the small group of friends to try to cancel the whole thing. They encouraged me to have the event anyway. On the day of the celebration, 1 of 3 people got sick, the other one was an hour late, and one of the last friends would be over 6 hours late. I found myself at Hooters eating friend pickles alone. I wanted very much to drown my sorrows in booze (not a great strategy I know). Because we were supposed to go Karting, I drank Cola instead.
After some time my one friend who bothered to show up and I were at an Empty Hooters for two hours before we decided to make our way to an Arcade. Instead of Joyopolis, we went to an arcade that emulated old Japan. While I had fun playing the retro games, shooting gallery, and claw games. The overall sentiment was far from a positive one, but at least I got a picture with Usagi.
I Almost Cried
It was about three hours before I informed the friend who was showing up later that I was just going home at that point. I felt my emotions well up as I almost broke down and cried. My overall doomer outlook on life at this point swirled in my brain, bai lan, why try? I had tried to celebrate three decades of life on this planet to no avail. It was surprising to me that I had even made it to this point. There were times when I thought of hitting the life reset button. Intrusive thoughts tempt me every now and then. Should I step in front of a train or bus and see if my theories about multiple incarnations, realities, and timelines are real?
What keeps me tethered to this body and incarnation are not Christian thoughts of God. However, being punished and burned in hell forever for taking my own life doesn’t sound appealing. My jailors come in the form of my friends and family, who want me around for some reason. I find that it is selfish for them to want me around, but it is equally selfish for me to want to disappear. Rather it is my interest in Eastern spirituality that makes me neo in the matrix. I persist because I choose to.
Staying Zen At Times Like These
My interest in Zen has me trying to find happiness at times like these. If I can’t stay mindful at times like these it’s doubtful that in my next incarnation, I’ll be able to. To watch my thoughts flow like a river and be happy and satisfied that one of my friends came out and we had fun in something that reminded me of the 90s. I’m sure there’s some moral takeaway like Spongebob’s Best Day Ever episode, what it is alludes me. Perhaps ther’s a lesson to be learned. I really don’t have the most friendly personality. Rather it confirms I’m really not a good person, maybe the way I live my life is flawed?
While I know jealousy isn’t the valued emotion, when I look at my sister’s, cousin’s, or some of my Facebook friends’ birthday celebrations I can’t but feel a little green. . . sadly I’m only human (Not cyborg cat grill yet) yes that’s a meme on my blog that two people read.
Walking Toward Something
When life doesn’t look how we want it to all we can do is take steps towards a place we maybe want it to be like. I’ve talked about this analogy on my blog before, but most times it seems life doesn’t work out the way we imagine it will in our head. Life is less of an architected plan and more of an ocean journey. All we can do is sail our boat in a direction. Life’s storms come, but we can’t let them upset our direction too much. With some extra time on my hands, I decided to make a video . . perhaps a collection of them.
As I want to be an “artist”, and content creator, and learn in public the video I made was a little polarizing.
Hell I’ve gotten a dislike already, and I’m sure my Dad wasn’t too happy about the way I dressed. Honestly, it’s just clothes, makeup, and presentation. . . Rockstars and artists dress how they want and many of them wear makeup and clothes not exactly from the Men’s section. . . I mean look at Prince and Rick James. . . I’m not Rick James. . . Bitch.
but I’m beginning to be more comfortable with just being me. . ., especially in the comfort of my own home.
Setting My Boundaries
I probably don’t have the healthiest relationship with my father, but hey who does nowadays am I right? Anyway, somehow he found out about the way I dress in my free time. How he did I don’t care, I have my suspicions but honestly, I couldn’t be bothered to care. Anyway, he decided that it was an “emergency” and we needed to deal with a “situation”. At four in the morning when I was trying to sleep I had a bunch of calls from my mom.
I have news for my dad, although I love you, you no longer have control over what I do, say, or wear. I pay my bills, work my own damn job, and decide what I want to do in my free time. Of course, I’ll ask you for advice or help if I need it, but you don’t get to control what I do, especially at four am.
The Spiritual Guru Comes When You Least Expect It
The last thing I wanted to talk about was a phone call I received from a friend. It was weird because although we only knew each other in a college course I talked to them like I had known them forever. We talked about spirituality, science, and biology. It was the type of “high-level” (I put that in quotes to not sound arrogant) conversations I have missed being outside of education and a place where people can speak my own language in more ways than one. The spiritual guru comes when you least expect it.
