Creative Burnout and Rest & Starting Again

What started as a planned day of doing nothing became an unexpected reset from creative burnout. Giving myself permission to slow down created room to think about work, creativity, failure, relationships, and where I actually want my life to go next.

As writing the Laidback Log becomes a habit, keeping up has required less effort. Not that it’s any easier, but the section of my brain that requires willpower and activation energy can relax. When things become automatic background processes, my conscious mind feels more free. In my last post, I reflected on the struggle of creative work and the burnout that often accompanies it. Just making one reel a day feels like more effort than when part of a creative portfolio. After building a healthier relationship with failure, I’d like to revisit the posting multiple times a day challenge.

I know I would grow creatively while pushing the speed and efficiency of my processes. Wouldn’t be the first time I’m motivated by anime girls. . . I should work on talking to more real ones.

APEX Grind

Rest doesn’t mean I’ve stopped wanting to improve. Apex is still one of the places where my obsession with practice, progress, and consistency shows up the most.

I remember hitting APEX Legends Diamond Rank like it was yesterday. The Epic push on literally the last day of the season was highlighted by an epic win in a sweaty endzone. The team play, Gibraltar Bubble, and then Ultimate made me feel like I was an esports athlete. APEX has this flow state high that few things in real life can match.

It was such a big milestone of mine to hit Diamond Rank in a video game since my League of Legends days, but that was five years ago. One thing that would make my “Master’s Grind“ feel more real is making a video series about it. It would help solidify my philosophy of Kaizen, learning in public, and daily practice and habit formation. Like many other things in life I struggle with activation energy and consistency. Editing VODs would help me cross multiple goals of my checklist if I ever started. It would also help solidify my new “improvement routine”

The Plan is No Plan

I came into the last two days of work with a lift and coast mindset(Lift and Coast). I’m not giving up on my plans for financial freedom, career goals, or personal improvement. Taking a step back for these last two days helped me process what happened in life. The feeling of just existing and taking things in is lost in our Western culture. When I was a tour guide immersed in Japanese culture, one of my favorite activities was public bathhouses and garden walks. In my new role today, perimeter walks have been my opportunity to slow down and take things in. Seattle was beautiful, even with the abundant homeless camps littering the city.

The fresh, crisp sea air hit my face as ferries slowly skated atop the water. The vivid greens from the pine trees created small lush islands as the Puget Sound sparkled in the afternoon sun. The smell of salt hit my nose as I walked to the local coffee shop. Most of the time I felt like one of the busy ants in the ant colony hastily working on an abandoned building. The small lines looked like organic highways. Ganbare little ants, I thought as I reflected on being in a traffic jam a couple of hours earlier. I never wanted to be a worker ant; my spirit animal was the sloth. . . hopefully the cuter two-toed one.

The Reflection of the Mountain In Terraced Paddies

When I was a tour guide, I would take slow days like this for granted. It took all the challenging experience and perspective of living overseas to realize a day like this was a perfect day. Although I was comfortable next to the ocean, part of my heart was in Nagano. This time of year, the rice paddies would be filled to the brim, and the slight smell of rice and red pine would line my nose. Japan Homesickness was being kept at bay by Uwajimaya, Daiso, Teso Life, and the positive turn my life had taken since moving home.

Isn’t it crazy how mindset and perspective can transform a walk I’ve done hundreds of times? Without a blog post to work on, painting to finish, or song to mix, I was just there . . . As I was. It was like all the background programs had been stopped on a computer and all the garbage from Windows 11 was stripped away. . . Oh how I miss the simple green hills of the default Windows XP. It was a simpler but no less profound moment in the Operating System and my life. Both had become bloated and enshitified.

What Sales Taught Me About People

My short time in sales taught me less about cars and more about how people make decisions. Turns out, people don’t always buy the way I would.

Quality Conversation

At the car dealership, I had dipped my toes into sales. I only moved a couple units; it turns out buyers aren’t as honest as I was as a salesman. My boss wanted me to study 12 Steps to a quality conversation, of course unpaid and outside of work hours . . . The 12-step framework is a sales technique. The main goals are to extract data to leverage a sale, gain more prospects, and apply pressure to close.

Applying pressure or leverage aggressively is something I’m averse to,given my time in Japan, where I learned to value social harmony. Only when gaming, defending my position, or when making proposals do I flex my persuasion, charm, and wit. I was bad at the art of sales because I was selling to people like I would sell to myself. Before I buy anything, I like to consider objective stats, specs, price-to-performance, third-party reviews, and a list of variables. I will do more research than necessary for even small purchases.. The larger the purchase, the more time I take to consider things.

For sales, this approach kills a short-term bottom line. My theory was that, for building lifelong customers, I took the correct approach. I figured if I built a big enough library of helpful educational content and gave the best service I could to customers’ business would come to me. What I found was humans were more emotional than logical.

Short-term sales thrived when striking at emotions, time pressure, bending or hiding the whole truth. People wanted to believe in their hearts, not deduce with their brains. Research shows that an emotional decision, even a poor one, is aggressively defended. I would have been a better vehicle columnist than a salesperson.

I Thought Karma Would Help Me Out?

I genuinely tried to help people make good decisions; some of my marketing videos were built on sound math theories. Buying a used vehicle can save you money monthly if it’s more fuel-efficient than the one you’re currently operating. Although that message isn’t sexy, there’s a reason why Mercedes and luxury clothes are most bought by the demographic that should avoid those brands like the plague. . . I know I do.

Contrary to the training, we weren’t there to help people find what they wanted or needed. We were there to close deals, whether that purchase was good or an irresponsible purchase. It was another one of those moments where my old boss would say something, only to do the opposite.

Throw that Garbage Away

While I’m a fan of standardization and training, Matt, who has worked in the car industry on the ground for the last 20-ish years, wasn’t a fan of our particular brand of training. In between his laughing, fun personality, he also gave gold nuggets of advice. Throw all that 90s outdated “Sales Training Garbage ” away.

At the time, it put me in a bind because the guy who hired me and had some successful years in the car industry built off that training. But that was two decades ago. Whose word carried more weight? Matt, who closed the most deals and had focused the last two decades of his life on being the best salesman, then manager he could be, was telling me one thing. Or the clearly outdated sales training videos and online platform?

As someone who worked in digital media, it was clear to see that the Joe Verde sales training was shot with late 80s to early 90s camera tech and crews, and the online platform looked like something built at the end of the dot-com crash. You figure a successful “sales professional” like Joe Verde could afford to update the production, platform, and training materials. Joe Verde gave off the “internet guru” energy, except he was thirty years early.

A part of me questioned if he had made all of his money through sales or, more likely, selling courses on how to sell. In the early days of the internet, you could probably get real far saying something with conviction and confidence. . . it was a lot harder to fact-check back then. I must have been drinking that Kool-Aid because only a fool wouldn’t see that Joe Verde is a snake oil salesman. Sometimes you have to trust what you see.

What I noticed is that a lot of people would ask for Matt specifically. He had a mix of long-standing customers, their referrals, and internet/phone leads do the important thing of touching tile. Although Matt could go down to business and close a deal, his conversations centered on helping people and creating a welcoming, fun environment for himself and the team.

Authentic Conversations

I thought I was bad at networking, but maybe I was just bad at forcing conversations. When I stopped trying to follow a script, connecting with people became a lot easier.

You’re Gonna Make a Lot of Money One Day

I still struggle to network, but I’m great at creating a welcoming environment, helping people, and being authentic. At the concierge desk, I’m rewarded for all of those actions. Maybe not financially yet, but the base pay for what I do on a daily basis is generous. Although I failed the ridiculous and poorly thought-out challenge of verbatim recalling all 35 or so pages to the small dealership’s sales training. That sounds more like indoctrination than training. . . 12 steps to a quality conversation included. I found something better than having “quality conversations”; authentic conversations were at the heart of my daily practice.

In my new role, I often had wonderful chats with the head of the residential committee and one of the residents themselves. A lot of the time I found myself listening. The people in my building had much more storied careers or life experience, after all. Without worries in my mind or any garbage sales training script, I was able to reach a creative flow state mid-conversation. That’s probably the norm for the neurotypical population.

Conversation topics floated from their past, what they did in life, creative ideas, suggestions for design, or our current dreams and projects. Talking out loud helped me to formulate and work through my hidden desires of going back to school for international business. I also talked about some of the crazy project ideas floating in my mind.

• Medicine Dispenser
• Gym Food Project

I still have the dream of building “Touge Legends” and the LaidbackLife Lounge. . .one can dream.

I Know it Will Work, But How Do I Get There?

Our resident, an industrial and interior designer, had a history of working with large companies and accounts. She sat on a couch sideways and leaned on the backrest. Before I knew it I was trying to cohesively describe the chaotic mess of ideas in my head. The visions seemed to click in my head. I must have some sort of delusional self-belief that these ideas would work if my brain had hung on for so long.

Steps A-Z were clear, but the instructions in between were a mystery. When you’re in a creative flow state, it’s almost dreamlike; your ideas come together clearly. It’s piecing things together after that is most difficult. It was surprising that someone would listen to my mad ideas for so long I thought as I looked at her eyes behind the thick, blue, square-framed glasses.

“You’re gonna make a lot of money one day, Marco”. I was shocked by the words of confidence behind my crazy ideas. . . I had more faith that I’d stumble on a winning lottery ticket than my career working out in the future.

Her gaze of adoration was similar to that of a mother watching a baby bird spread their wings and fly. It was like she recognized something in me that I failed to see in myself. A pattern in my life is others’ misplaced belief in me.

Her eyes smiled before she looked over to the head of the residents. “You better get to know him (Name Censored), because he’s gonna be rich one day” she gave a giggle before the conversation continued.

“I hope so (Name censored), I wouldn’t go waiting on it though; hopefully sooner rather than later.” I laughed. The conversation continued about redesigning my room, things that the building would need to get done, and other random topics before they both moved on.

Proactivity

After the conversation I looked at my list of things to-do for the day. “nothing”

In my relaxed state, I realized I’ve been doing a disservice to myself and employers by doing only what I was trained to do. Why not be proactive about making things better and offering solutions for myself, business, and management? What unique aspects do I bring to the table? How do I express authentic parts of my personality in a way that would benefit everyone?

One thing I’ve learned from being around my sister is that both large and small gestures have large impacts on your relationships and how you’re perceived. A Bamboo plant at my desk or serving people in the lobby green tea or hand-drip coffee would make the lobby feel like a welcoming guest house.

What I learned in Japan was it wasn’t so much the Tea, Coffee, or Snacks that people valued, but the gesture itself. While I always enjoyed drinking the Tea and Afroto snacks, many guests would just leave the tea and snacks unconsumed while having small talk followed by a period of shared Japanese silence and polite goodbyes.

Writing this days later, I realized I could proactively organize the concierge desk, manage wires, create inventory systems, organize the back office, etc. While many people my age look at job requirements and try to do the bare minimum, I’ve got a mix of Gen-Z and older millennial traits. Getting noticed in the workplace should be about working smart, hard, and being proactive about making improvements. In the same way that I could be proactive about Apex Legends improvement, I could take small steps at work as well.

I Do Have Peers

Sometimes as a concierge, it can feel like being stranded on an island with only text, call, and email to connect you to the larger organization. Because there was a shift change today, I had the first extended conversation with one of my co-workers. Little did I know, I would have one of the most engaging conversations of my life.

Our other concierge was a millennial who had studied theology and psychology and had her hand in a number of creative hobbies. Our conversation felt like speaking to someone I had known for years. She was at school to become a therapist, and that role would suit her well. She was friendly, warm, welcoming, and spoke with an eloquence I wish I could mirror.

A Featured Artist

When the conversation drifted into creativity and art, we both shared our sketchbooks. Her bird drawings were filled with intricate details and patterns that took hours of focus to complete. They were something that looked like they belonged in a science or bird book. When looking back at my drawings, my inner critic silenced as a more objective observer clapped after some time and space away.

My coworker also loved how cute the drawings looked. My style simplified form and shape, but there was an attention to detail when it came to proportions and perspective. I had been drawing a lot of boxes, cylinders, and simple shapes to try to wrap my head around shape and form so I appreciated the compliment.

“Hey, I run this artists’ gala meeting thing; I’d love to have you as one of the featured artists,” She said as we flipped through my book.

I couldn’t contain my excitement. Like my dog anticipatingly waiting for her teething treat, it was almost like I was wagging a non-existent tail and bouncing. The excitement was followed by a chain of anxiety. What would my booth look like? OMG, I have no products. There’s a collection of unfinished works that I really need to finish. Oh . . . December, that’s four months. Two sides of my brain said, “That’s plenty of time”/”You know yourself that is not a lot of time for you” simultaneously

Showing Up Authentically

I’ve been showing up more authentically since the time I left my last job. I didn’t realize it at the time, but I allowed myself to be influenced away from who and what I wanted to be by external factors. If life is a play, I feel like I was playing a role someone assigned me to rather than the one I chose for myself. Some of showing up authentically means shutting up that critic in your head, saying an opinion that isn’t so popular, and telling people no. That last one is tough.

For me, it also meant dressing more femininely and softly. Chasing goals and ideals that I wanted. And worrying less about what my parents wanted for me. My coworker said there’s nothing wrong about being a late bloomer, but how late is too late?? At 31, I feel like I should know who I am by now?

People appreciate authentic connection. Although I learned to mask heavily growing up and in Japan, the richest moments in life are those where you feel naked (emotionally. . .physically. . . both😏). With no persona acting upon the world. When you have authentic conversations, you no longer are the actor, but the watcher. Instead of my conscious mind being the director it was a passive observer.

The Magic Ends??

I kept peering at my clock to see time dwindle away. Looking at time move takes you out of that flow state, I didn’t like doing it, but as a result of being a human flesh vehicle, I am a slave to spacetime. Appointments in linear time are important. My therapy appointment was fast approaching so instead of missing most of it in traffic, I decided to just have my appointment in the back office. I carried that flow state into my appointment. I spent the whole time talking at my Therapist (is that what you’re supposed to do?), in the autistic way that didn’t allow her to say anything back.

Instead of interrupting, she let me continue, asking questions when needed. We talked about the future, unrecognized potential, the ability to finally think in periods of 3 years, 3 months, 3 weeks, and Days. The last one was a big thing for me. I’m sure my time blindness isn’t cured, but it’s surely developed into a fuzzy, out-of-focus image.

Now two days later, I’ve realized a massive shift has happened. I’m excited about life again for the first time in a while. The external spark from some of my recent interactions was enough to light that bright-eyed spark behind my eyes up again. What’s next for me?? Grad school, startups? A new career direction??

Who knows, but my brain was starting to see possibilities. Like Paul Atreides, I was starting to unlock a vision. People like a man with a vision, right??

Rest, Failure, and Starting Again

Rest didn’t magically fix my tendency to take on too much. Over the next few days, the same lesson kept appearing through creativity, gaming, exercise, and failure.

Another Day of Rest

The next day I was at a different building. I didn’t expect another pseudo rest day, but I had another one. Not willingly, I fully intended to release this blog post yesterday, work on blog promo, or learn something, but instead I started to make a remix of Wolves (Said the Sky Remix). It was one of the many songs I wanted to put my spin on. Concrete Angel, Applause, and the other songs on my list would have to wait.

I felt guilty about today. There were blogs to promote, videos and photos to edit, tutorials to watch, books to read, and a host of creative things I wanted to solve. Why are humans so time- and energy-limited?

I didn’t end up getting my 2 jogs for this week in. . . Looks like I have to restart that Nick Run Club 4-week plan again. . . Is life about new beginnings right?

Caught Up Again

I spent the next day(today) writing! And it looks like my brain is automatically filtering more non-important details. . . As if any of the other ones are important LOL. As the blog continues, I feel my brain is emptying out a level of thoughts, emotions, and feelings that have been pent up for a long time. One of the whole reasons I made the push to be more regular with the posts is because I wanted to get a full picture of my inner landscape.

Apex and AimLabs

I took breaks to work on my mechanical skills in both Apex and aim trainers. Aim Training and Apex Movement mechanics are something that you can always develop into a stronger muscle. It helps to go back to basics and remember FPS fundamentals as well. I’ve been looking to make a series where I take a look at FPS fundamentals and see if I can apply them to different games.

• Hitbox vs Hurtbox
• Map Control: Taking vs Making Space
• Angles
• Teamplay
• Utility
• Resource Management
• Crosshair Placement
• Mind Games and Reading

Are things that are essential parts of every modern FPS game. While there are Apex/BR skills.

• Map Knowledge
• To Heal vs Fight
• Movement Mechanics
• Legend Knowledge
• Armor Swaps
• Weapon Meta

There comes a point where just moving around in the range and aim-labbing random skills no longer becomes useful. In my conversation with the other concierge, one of our talking points was how failure and getting bad test scores is where learning becomes easier. Instead of studying things you’re already adept at, you can use the test scores to show you what category of a class, skill, or ability you have shortcomings in.

Failing a Four Week Program

The next day I picked up a fitness class that I failed to follow the past two weeks. Nike Run Club’s 4-Week starter program sounds like something that I could easily pack away being a lifelong athlete. But I failed to show up for two days each week. The most important thing for any athlete to do is actually show up and put the work in. I have a healthier relationship with failure now. Instead of shying away from what I do badly, I find that every fault, foible, and fuck-up is an opportunity to learn.

What I learned was the thing that’s a recurring slip-up for me is consistency. I restarted the Nike Run Club 4-Week program. With every mess-up comes a new day, a new opportunity, and a new dropship. See you on the next Dropship, legends.

Much Love,
LaidbackMarco