Expectations Vs Reality

Last night I fell asleep fully intending to wake up early, motivated, and ready to make the most of my day off. This morning, I hit snooze. Again.

Yesterday, I received some feedback from a recent tour. Sometimes it’s nice to see what guests write. Other times, it feels unfair. Living life as a customer service tour guide—where KPIs seem largely subjective—feels like starring in a Black Mirror episode. Usually, people who have a great experience don’t bother to leave a review. The ones who do are often the neediest, most unpleasant guests… and they rarely hold back.

Even if the reviews feel off-base, once they’re written, they stick—like bad grades in school. And just like school, even if part of you wants to turn it all around, it can feel like the damage is done. Like you’re forever barred from getting into a good grad program or landing a better job. It messes with your head.

The reviews hit me harder than expected, especially on top of a slump I’ve already been in. I didn’t want to get out of bed, so I didn’t. As an introvert, tour guiding is uniquely draining. Was I being too sensitive? Maybe. But trying to please people all the time gets exhausting.

Is the Feedback Helpful?

One upside of being neurodivergent is that emotional noise sometimes hits at a lower volume. I took a step back and asked myself: Was the feedback logical, rational, reasonable? If it is, I don’t mind it. I actually value critique from people I trust, like my mom or my cousin.

After sitting with it for a while, I felt a bit better. One complaint was about restaurant choices. Another was about WhatsApp communication. The last? Apparently, I shared too much about cultural context. (Still unclear if that’s a compliment or a jab.)

Some people just come in with unreasonable expectations, or don’t bother to listen when I explain things. One thing I’ve learned in this job: you can’t please everyone. And some people? Some people are just… unpleasant.

Still, the reviews lingered in my head as I finally got out of bed.

Expense Sheets and Tour Reports

Once I was up, I started drafting expense sheets and tour reports from recent trips. There are so many stories, guests, and small adventures I haven’t written about because the habit died for a while. But… I’m bringing it back.

Partly for my mom—so she knows what I’ve been up to.
Partly for that poor kid 100 years from now doing a holodeck report on my life. Might as well give them some material.

Grand Theft Auto IV

Strangely, this game is now considered retro.

I’ve been replaying Grand Theft Auto IV lately, and as I’ve gotten older, I relate more and more to Niko Bellic. No, I don’t go on crime sprees—but I do know what it’s like to be a slightly cynical, intellectual immigrant trying to make it in a big city.

Playing it now, I see the story differently. I understand the dark humor better. I feel the weight behind Niko’s choices. There’s something powerful about games that age with you, where your perspective deepens as your life does.

It was the first time I completed the story mode. I found myself drifting through Liberty City—making money, friends, memories. In the virtual world, managing relationships was easier. Real life is a lot messier. Especially after cutting some ties.

Back in high school, I used to play GTA IV online with friends. There were no big quests or cutscenes like modern games—just the chaos and comedy we created on our own.

Now I’m thinking about reviewing it—my first game review in a while. I feel more qualified than I did when I tried to review Prototype on YouTube back in 2008.

My dream of becoming an online content creator seems to be joining my other dreams in the gray screen, but it’s a stupid hope I hold deep down. It seems the older I get the more cynical and hopeless I become. Playing this game as I got older was great because a lot of the cynical and mature humor doesn’t fly over my head anymore.

Cyberpunk Private Detective

There’s a delusional part of me that still believes I might work in visual art one day. With AI evolving rapidly, I know the odds are stacked. Still—I sketch. I digitize. I create.

A few ideas came during a Manga drawing class I joined with a tour group (some family members skipped, so I filled in). I’ve started a new cyberpunk private detective character—upper torso’s decent, but the hips, lower arms, and those cursed hands… not so much.

I want to give her a functional, futuristic elbow design. Maybe some integrated cyberware. It’s rough, but it’s something. And sometimes, something is enough.

Late Night Exercise+Shower

It’s currently 2:30 AM. I still need to exercise, shower, and apply my eczema medication. I’ll do that right after I hit upload on this.

Much love,
LBM

Feel Free to read my other Log Posts

Koan That’s Been on My Mind

“What is Zen?” — The Student with the Stick

A young monk once asked his master,
“What is Zen?”

The master, without a word, hit him with a stick.

The student was shocked, confused, and hurt. But he didn’t argue.
Instead, he left the temple to study and meditate deeply on the question.

Years later, the student returned, a changed man.
He bowed before his old master.

“I’ve come to understand what Zen is,” he said.

The master asked,
“What is Zen?”

Without hesitation,
the student struck the master with a stick.

The master smiled and said,
“Now you understand.”

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